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May 04, 2023

Spy: Bachelorette star Lily McManus on break

Share this article Lily McManus and Richie Boyens partnered on The Bachelorette.

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Lily McManus and Richie Boyens partnered on The Bachelorette. Photo / Supplied

Heartbreak has played out very publicly for former Bachelorette Lily McManus.

And now the 26-year-old has opened up about break-ups and the shame some women are made to feel around sex.

McManus, who was last on our screens on TVNZ 2′s Give Us a Clue, has worn her heart on her sleeve starring on The Bachelor NZ, The International The Bachelor Winter Games and in 2020 as The Bachelorette, where the 26-year-old gave clothing designer Richie Boyen's her final rose.

Eighteen months later and after multiple lockdowns the pair called it quits.

"My break-up after the Bachelorette was hard for all the normal reasons you’d imagine it to be. It's never fun separating from somebody you love and care about," McManus tells Spy.

"It was during lockdown so there wasn't a whole lot I could do apart from just sit with it. I could use a vibrator and do yoga stoned in my backyard."

McManus says she cried a lot, watched four seasons of The L Word, made a lot of video content, didn't drink and tried to look after herself, with a handful of beautiful people in her life.

"I know looking after yourself looks different for everybody so it's important to find out what that looks like for you," she says.

McManus this week teamed up with Trade Me for charity to launch four Break Up Starter Packs, full of goodies to help suddenly singles start afresh.

The packs are worth up to $1500 and have a $1 reserve on Trade Me until this Thursday. All the proceeds will be donated to partners of The Kindness Store - Trade Me's virtual store where items purchased go to Kiwis in need. Recipients have included KidsCan, Women's Refuge, Foster Hope, RainbowYOUTH and Red Cross.

McManus says they are filled with useful tools for healing. One features brand new homeware and a smart TV, another is R18 with naughty treats to bring all the good vibrations.

"Every time I’ve gone through a break-up, I’ve had a different way of dealing with it, whatever healing hyper-fixation you feel you need, whether it's health or rest with no judgment."

And that includes sexual aids, with McManus sharing she used a vibrator after appearing on The Bachelorette to feel like herself again.

"When I was younger, I didn't know that women getting off would be such a big part of my existence but now I can't say that I am surprised," says McManus.

She says for a long time the feelings surrounding sex and self-pleasure during sex, tended to stem around the needs of men.

"I still have friends, my age, that haven't orgasmed during intercourse with men because their idea of what sex is about has been so screwed by misogyny. They don't feel comfortable, they feel conditioned shame, they don't feel educated about their bodies.

"Heartbreak or no heartbreak, sis deserves to get off. It's the bare minimum. That's my point. I’m happy to promote that.

"The best product is open for debate of course. Yet what I can say is that I think I developed an avoidant attachment style as a child, due to sleeping with a pregnancy pillow. I mean that in the best way possible. I did not need human touch when I could wrap every crevice of myself around one of those things. If you have a hole inside yourself that you need to fill, they do the job."

The packs were launched in response to new research from Trade Me which found nearly half of the population aged between 20 and 40 had had a breakup in the past three years and the interesting post-breakup behaviours that resulted from this.

McManus, who is single, says life can be rough as a single person, let alone having someone else to take account for.

"I’m proud of everyone who leaves a relationship for their betterment. Respecting yourself, your needs and knowing how you deserve to feel is so important."

She says people are more resilient than they give themselves credit for and what is meant to be is meant to be.

"You can't and you don't want to force anything to exist when it doesn't want to. You can't argue with that maths."

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